Friendships with Frangers

So I have been thinking about this thing called Friendship. The common definition for it is –

Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between people. Friendship is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an association.

Mark the keywords here – ‘mutual affection’ and ‘interpersonal bond’

Do we see such friendships more often? We claim to have good friends and great friendships but many fail to live up to this basic definition. A large number of our friends are not really friends but people wearing the garb of friendship and hanging around for their own selfish reasons. I have had friends who –

  • extracted money out of me for their own benefit
  • borrowed money and didn’t care to return back on time as promised
  • would act all sweet and nice if they have some work and become strangers once the work is done
  • considered me good only as long as I would agree to their perspective about things
  • never stayed in touch once out of the city or country
  • cared to connect only at their convenient time and would forget otherwise
  • would impose their decisions/choices and would disengage if I resist

I wonder how many real friends do I have. Maybe one. Maybe a couple of them. That’s it?

So what do we call these people in our lives who are neither strangers nor friends (but act as friends). How about coining a new word for them? Frangers!

I wish well for all the friends and the frangers, but I wish we come across more friends than frangers.

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Emptiness

There are times when you feel so empty that you wonder what is missing in your life. You may compare your situation with others and find your life very miserable. Probably those are the times when emptiness overwhelms one and they decide to end their life. And probably those are the times when resolutions are made to overturn things. Probably those are the times when either you die or get reborn.
But why do we feel empty? Are we like some vessel that needs to be full all the time which otherwise is of no use? What fills us up – people, emotions, feelings? And how does emptiness creep into us? Guess the following are the triggers for emptiness –
  • When someone ditches you
  • When people make you feel unwanted
  • When you are constantly misunderstood
  • When you have no one around you who matches your frequency
  • When people who matter to you are gone
  • When you find yourself as a misfit
  • When people don’t reciprocate the love that you have for them and instead use you for their growth or entertainment
  • When things just don’t work your way and life seems to be unfair
And so on…
I guess these triggers pretty much cover everything. At least for me…as I have experienced all of them. But has any of this led me to a depressed state? No. Not at all. Sadness has engulfed many a times but everytime hope has helped me to sail through – hope for a better day, better times.
And when hope doesn’t suffice, then one should push oneself to that blank state where there is no room for opinions, no energy left for comparisons, no worry, no regret…all you got to do is just chill and stay still. In such a state, you would feel the emptiness but it won’t scare you a bit. In fact it will make you realize that everytime you are empty, you indeed have got an opportunity to fill yourself up all over again – if at all you wish to be full; else enjoy being empty, because emptiness is bliss. You were born with an empty mind, as you grew up you filled yourself up with facts, myths, beliefs, emotions, craziness, morals, ethics, knowledge, and what not. And it is this filled-up state that sometimes makes you disoriented. Emptiness probably is a way to get aligned to the core, and to realize that nothing stays forever.
Enjoy being empty. Emptiness is bliss!

The Changing ME

Ever met a person who has remained fixated to one place for the entire life? As in, never moved from the place since the day of birth.

Of course No.

Ever came across a song that you kept playing on loop for years? You know the way we get hooked on a chartbuster and keep playing it on an endless loop, until we move on to a new one out there. So ya, ever got stuck to one song for your whole life?

No again.

Ever held on to something with the thought that you would never let it go, and remained true to that thought? Imagine all the things that you ever touched in your life – all those objects, all those people – where are they now? Still in touch?

No I guess.

None of the above is possible. One cannot be fixated to one place forever. One cannot go on with the same song forever. And, one cannot hold on to something forever. I remember a childhood incident when I boarded a train with my Mom and brother, and somehow Dad couldn’t make it to that bogie when the train started moving..and I cried like hell worrying that I am going to lose my Dad..but I had no clue that he got onto the moving train from a different bogie. And when he joined us back, I held on to him tightly never wanting to leave. But then I couldn’t hold him back forever and was forced to let him go one day. I wonder what would have happened to every other thing that I ever touched – those school bags, the bicycle, those friends, those notebooks and diaries, those clothes, those buses and ricks, the bikes, those houses that I stayed in, those chairs that I sat on, the cell phones, the gadgets, those grounds, those trees, and what not. Some are still around me, some might still be in use by others, some might have decayed and must be resting in peace in a junkyard, and some would have probably embraced nothingness. Just gone from the world. Like my Dad.

Well, the point I am trying to make here is how we are constantly changing with absolutely no control, howsoever much we try. Our tastes change, priorities change, equations change, and with every change – we as a person also change. With this POV, when we look at everything else in life, maybe we won’t feel bad about anything. For instance –

  1. Someone flakes out on you. (maybe you are no longer on this person’s priority list even though you are still important to the person. It has got nothing to do with your likeability, but is more about their current priority. It’s like he/she is stuck with a new chartbuster song even though the earlier song is still likeable.)
  2. Someone is not in alignment with you leading to anger, frustration, arguments, betrayal, infidelity and so on (maybe it’s time for you to evolve or for the equation to dissolve, both of which are perfectly in sync with the laws of Universe)
  3. Someone dies (well, it’s a reminder that you can’t hold on to anything and it’s better that you appreciate things while they last and be grateful for the experience)

There could be many more such events that have the potential to disorient us, but as long as we remember that WE are constantly changing and along with us THEY are also constantly changing and it is these changes that are defining our lives, we are good. Almost good!!

 

The Whys make you Wise

So we all have our own set of Whys. And some of the most common ones may be –

Why meeee??

Why do we exist?

Why does the world act so crazy?

Why do people not treat you the way you treat them?

Why is love so conditional?

Why are you tied by norms in a free world?

Why this? Why that?

Interestingly, every WHY (most of them actually) doesn’t have an answer. You keep asking only to realize that either there is no answer or there is no one around you who has an answer. So you settle for an answer that was always there with you but never showed up till you struck it with a WHY. And this answer will probably lead you to the next set of WHYs, and there is no end to it. Or maybe there is.

All I have known is that the more you keep questioning yourself, the more you get closer to the self. Every Why may not have an answer but collectively these Whys will make you Wise.

 

 

Your thoughts are holding you back. — counselorssoapbox

By David Joel Miller. Negative self-statements. Saying negative things about yourself creates negative results. People who routinely practice positive affirmations begin to feel better about themselves. Running yourself down in your own head will destroy self-esteem and hold you back from being the person you could become. How many of these negative self-statements have you […]

via Your thoughts are holding you back. — counselorssoapbox

Move on

I have been wondering about something. Not sure if I make any sense, but I guess half of the world’s problems can be solved if we could just move on..countries can just move on and border issues might get resolved, radical elements can just move on and peace might be revived, couples can just move on and relationship issues might get resolved, people can just move on and all kinda issues might bite the dust. I don’t know for sure if issues can get resolved, but moving on definitely seems a better option than getting stuck somewhere. After all, on a lighter note, we got legs just so that we can move on, we got imagination just so that we can be elsewhere (i.e. move on from our current reality).

I am of the opinion that we generally prefer to get stuck (to our surroundings, our jobs, our partners, our current reality) because we are scared of the unknown, because we are insecure, because we are unsure if moving on would take us to any better place. We prefer rotting than trotting. We don’t find it exciting to move to 30 different places in next 30 years as compared to being at a single place for those 30 years. Why? Because how the hell would we gain stability if we are constantly moving? Remember, rolling stone gathers no moss? Well it may not gather moss, but the rolling stone gets to see the world, gather experiences, gain wisdom, and simply gain momentum if nothing else.

So friends, move on from where you are. Move on if you are not happy, Move on if you are not getting to be you. Move on to a new reality. Move on – because moving on is what we are made for.

Impress yourself

Most of our day, much of our lives, all that we do is try to impress others.

We worry about our looks, our dressing, our style. Why? Coz we would fail to impress with bad looks and might become a laughing stock for others, or might feel rejected.

At work, we are worked up to do good, to stay aligned to the boss/company, to outpace our colleagues, to be a star performer. Why? Of course to impress and make a case for ourselves.

In friendships and relationships, again we do most of the things to impress the other person. People exchange gifts (ones that the other person will like), people spend for others, people tolerate others, people show the caring side, and many more things that are done to please the other person. You may call it love, but every act of love starts with a need to impress (except parental love maybe).

We have certain dreams and ambitions. We want to become rich. We want to become powerful. Dig deeper into it, and at some level all of this desire is tied to the need to impress or validate ourselves. People even do social service to impress others 🙂

Even when you are around strangers or your followers (in case of a celebrity or a public figure), you act with certain decency – partly because you should (as good behaviour), but partly because you want to impress them with your personality (however sad or dark your mood might be in general or at that given point of time).

Why do we have this urge to impress? Is it a basic human quality? Because of this urge, are we creating layers of fakeness around us? And in that process, are we diminishing the value of acceptance? – Acceptance of who we are, acceptance of the world as it is, and acceptance of the deeper meaning of life. Are we not wasting most of our day, and much of our lives just trying to impress rather than spending it wisely for whatever short duration we are here for? After all, who will you impress when you are turned into ashes some day?

Stay genuine, keep it simple, and accept as much as possible. Guess that should be enough for you to impress yourself and lead a pure life.